Questions To Ask Your Potential Spouse ~

Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh!

Getting married has become more and more difficult in today’s age and people rush to get their nikkah done with whomever they can find. However, don’t rush! It’s important to see if the other person matches your ideologies, especially when it comes to deen. Here are some questions you can ask that may help you understand your potential before you tie the knot! These are not just questions for arranged marriages, but even good to ask if you’re in a relationship (which I really hope you’re not!)

  1. What is your priority in life?
  2. Who would you consider your best friend and why?
  3. What are your interests?
  4. What does your day look like?
  5. What do expect from marriage?
  6. What would you expect from your spouse?
  7. What can you offer in marriage?
  8. What are some of your goals in life?
  9. How would you describe yourself?
  10. How is your relationship with God?
  11. How would you describe your ideal family life?
  12. What do you do in your free time?
  13. Discuss any aspect of life you want your children to succeed in and why?
  14. What priorities would you give your children?
  15. Do you consider yourself a family man/woman?
  16. Ask fiqh questions applicable to you
    1. ex: Do you eat non-zabiha meat?
    2. ex: Do you support a working wife?
    3. etc.
  17. Why do you want to get married?
  18. What do you consider your greatest achievements?
  19. Can you uphold the voice of justice when there is a conflict between your spouse and your family (i.e., not get defensive and/or scared to speak up)?
  20. How will you try to treat my family?
  21. What is something that inspires you from your parent’s marriage?
  22. What are some negative things you see in common marriages that you want to avoid in your marriage?
  23. How do you think children should be disciplined?
  24. What do you believe are the traditional role of the husband and wife that we should follow? Is there anything we should leave behind?
  25. What would you do to try to solve an argument?
  26. How do you deal with anger?
  27. What are some things that frustrate you?
  28.  What if we have a difference of opinion about an Islamic ruling?
  29. How would you support me in a stressful situation?
  30. What advice would you give to your younger self?
  31. What do you consider an ideal version of yourself?
  32. How has Islam impacted/shaped your life?
  33. What is your favorite thing about Islam?
  34. What are some commitments you want to keep in marriage?
  35. What are some ways you want to improve yourself?
  36. How important is family-time for you?
  37. How will you balance your time with work (if applicable), friends, and family?
  38. How would you treat me as your spouse?

Some questions were inspired by: Zawaj (x) and NYTimes (x)

This is a list merely for inspiration. Of course, don’t bombard your potential with questions. Maybe play a game of rapid fire or 20 questions to keep things mellow and fun!

However, when it comes to marriage, it is more important for you to do istikhara and put your trust in Allah.

May Allah bless us with righteous spouses, children, and friends, ameen!

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7 Comments

  1. It’s a really awesome idea, I have saved my own list of 39 questions but I’m really doubtful if this can actually become a reality.

    The problem I see is yea – you mentioned it – you can’t ask a person who you have just seen some minutes ago so many questions. I mean these are not even rapid fire questions – these need detailed answers like if you want it to be effective.

    Usually the arranged settings of marriage does not allow the two (potential couple) to get aside and talk for this long – I believe if we are real these questions can take up around 1 – 2 hours easily – only if one person is on the interrogation side – if both ask then oh lord.

    In a relationship this is much easier to ask but then again it’s wrong to begin with.

    Do you think it’s okay if I give like a printed paper which has all these questions and give it to my mother so they can ask for the answers in email or something – they can be like how dare did he ask so many questions (35 is not less).

    I personally have been thinking just want the concept of marriage and realised that it’s not only for this world but also the next – I mean our yes means they will be with us through thick and thin – and also in Jannah. I read somewhere that basically they are going to be the person you are going to wake up with on the same bed EVERYDAY. I think it’s our right to be able to ask these very fundamental questions – and I believe if everyone is honest these answers will probably tell if everything is compatible Allah u alam.

    Anyway sorry for such a long comment I was just trying to express my thoughts. Thank you for sharing this. JazakaAllah

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Assalamualaikum,
      I agree, it is our right to be knowledgeable of a person before marrying them. I think it’s better to ask face-to-face than e-mailing the questions.
      It is unusual nowadays for potentials to only have one meeting before nikkah, so ask these questions over a course of time rather than in one sitting. Start off with the basics in the first meeting and perhaps ask more detailed questions in later meetings in sha Allah. Only ask a few per meeting otherwise the other person may feel pressured. You don’t have to give a yes or a no immediately but you can take your time in deciding your answer and request more meeting with the parent’s permission and even allow the potential to bring a mahram in sha Allah. Know what I mean?

      Like

      1. That can’t work in the types of settings we have in Pakistan – especially with the religious people – even though my family is completely the opposite there is no sitting where the girl and guy can have a chat like none.

        I believe you are not in Pakistan and in West this is possible but not really where I live.

        Most people here get to know about very obvious stuff after marriage which sometimes they regret too but can’t do much about. Marriage according to me is about honesty and if there is no trust in it then it’s not right. It’s like a gamble here in Pakistan – you can win big and lose big too but you can’t predict it at all in advance – just doesn’t work that way.

        Like

      2. It depends where you live in pak as well because the society I’ve seen in pak is not like that. Anyway, you have to talk to your parents about this, but most importantly do istikhara and put your trust in Allah.

        Like

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