I hope you all are well by the grace of Allah عَزَّ وَجَلَّ ☻
Today’s topic is a very personal topic, I hope it inspires you in sha Allah. As you probably guessed from the title, I’ll be posting about how I found my way back to Allahعَزَّ وَجَلَّ.
Alhumdulilah I was born into a Muslim family, however, I was not a very practicing Muslimah. I abstained from major sins but I did not pray salah or read the Quran, I overall did not take Islam very seriously. Now here is what turned me back to my Rabb – since my childhood I have always been the odd one out. I was never a very talkative person and was always kicked out with the excuse “you’re not old enough to hang out with us,” which translated into my mind as “you’re not good enough or cool enough to be with us.”
As I grew older I did not let this experience hold me back, I was still confident and I managed to become quite a social person in middle school. However it was the qadr of Allahعَزَّ وَجَلَّ for things to take a turn, I traveled to my homeland at the age of 15 and I was once again the odd one out, I did not know how to react. Everyone seemed rude, I was not used to the mentality, to such harsh words. This drained my confidence completely and I reverted to the quiet person I once was. The socialness in me flew away without leaving a trace.
I was bullied in my homeland (it was our childhood, we all do things we regret in our childhood – we are all on good terms alhamdulillah), these people made many personal attacks – “you’re ugly” was one that I heard very often, I was cursed at (“you’re a ****”) occasionally. I was confused, what did I do to deserve this? To this day, I do not understand why these events took place.
I felt unwanted and unworthy, my confidence drained so much that people started noticing. “Why do you have no self-confidence?” asked many of the ones who caused for my confidence drop, in my mind I replied “because of you” but in reality I just shrugged my shoulders. I have never been a person of conflict, I have always tried to abstain from conflict, thus I stayed quiet throughout this entire situation. They cursed and called me nasty things but I was not going to drop to their level. Instead, I went to two older people to tell them about what was happening, the toxicity and negativity that I’ve been staying in, the reply I got was “it’s your fault. You’re probably mean that’s why this happening to you.” “What?! I’m mean? I did not say a word to them!” I exclaimed while tears flowing, I felt so betrayed and lonely. Everyone’s blaming me, hurting me, there’s no one on my side. The older ones offered no support nor did anything to try to settle the matter down. To this day, I’m deeply hurt by their reaction, may Allah grant me the strength to forgive them, ameen.
My family and I went back home but took frequent trips to my homeland, this process was really harmful to me as I kept going back and forth from such a dreadful environment. The next thing I knew, I was depressed and suicidal. I knew suicide was haram, thus I never took any action but I for sure made many duas for Allah to take my life. I did not want to live, living a lonely life where you’re constantly being abused verbally and mentally? No thank you, I was tired. I often took my stress to my twitter account (now deleted) where I had a good number of followers and a lot of support. Twitter was my escape, but it didn’t solve anything.
The situation caused for me to beg to Allah, consequently remembering Him more often. I started praying my prayers with sincerity and frequency. Then what really caused for a turn was that a lovely woman visited us. We caught on very well and I told her how lonely I am. She replied, “maybe Allah made you lonely so you turn to Him and that it’s just the two of you.” In awe, I didn’t know what to say. Her words hit me so hard, I became a different person after her comment Subhanallah.
My prayers turned regular and to the number of 5, the Quran became my companion and I became more aware of Allah. My life turned around to please Him, I focused on Him, and I loved Him. I told Him everything, I cried to Him and laughed to Him. I begged Him and thanked Him.I found acceptance with Allah, He comforted me and forgave me. He granted me happiness and peace. He took care of me though I did not deserve it, His mercy is truly great. My suicidal thoughts and chronic depression disappeared. My mindset changed – “so what if they think terrible of me, I am a good person and Allah knows, that’s enough for me.” It was here where my journey to knowledge started, I signed up for Tumblr and made an Islamic blog and this truly helped me stay focused on the important things of life and surrounded me with righteous people (in the online world). I found much inspiration on Tumblr – it motivated me to do whatever I do for the sake of Allah.
I started being molded into a person who slowly started to accept and love herself, I started becoming a little more confident step by step. To this day (8 years later), I work on my confidence that was shattered and I have not yet bounced back from being quiet – not entirely, alhumdulilah though I have improved greatly in both areas.
Wallahi my life turned around. The people who once talked low of me started being friendly. I often get told that I am an inspiration to them now Subhanallah. Wallahi it’s true, be good to Allah and He will raise you in ranks and honor you. Alhumdulilah. I’ve forgiven everyone who ever made a hurtful comment towards me even though I never received an apology (even after my request!), however, I just struggle to forgive those two older people I complained to.
It was a tough journey but alhumdulilah, it was a way for Allah عَزَّ وَجَلَّ to bring me back to Him. This journey also taught me that happiness should not depend on people, it really should not be of great importance of what people think of you as long as you remain kind and good. People will always hate on you for something and it’s nothing to be upset about as most of the time it’s not your fault. Be good and Allah will help you through everything. Peace is only with Allah عَزَّ وَجَلَّ ♡
This was an extremely summarized overview of what happened, the cuts were very deep and I just barely scratched the surface. There were a few other side stories that impacted me significantly but I’m too shy to talk about it as it might open negative opinions towards certain people if anyone who knows me in real life reads this post. So sorry! Anywho, I hope your journey to Islam was not as depressing as mine but it was all worth it, alhumdulilah.